I know I focus mainly on the positives in my life. I write about things that make me happy, because I enjoy it. I love to write about being a mother, my experiences, and what I have learned. But I want to keep my blog as real as I can, and that means talking about the negatives too.
Ugh, my heart hurts just thinking about this.
As much as I try to be, I’m not a perfect mom. Us mothers do the best we can, but sometimes, we fail. Then we learn. Then we move on.
Well… let’s talk about one of my failing moments. I was nursing Myla to sleep in bed, like I do everynight, waiting for her to fall asleep. Sometimes I’m on my phone. Sometimes I’ll read. It depends on my mood, because it usually takes her a good 45 minutes to nurse herself into a deep sleep.
It was a phone type of night. I was scrolling through twitter, just passing some time, when my phone slipped from my fingers, and landed on Myla’s head. She screamed. I quickly scooped her up and held her close. I consoled her and rubbed her head, and gave her a million kisses. But at that moment, I felt like the worst mom in the world.
She quickly calmed down, and went back to nursing, but I couldn’t help but cry. I felt awful. And careless.
I realize this isn’t the end of the world. But as a mother, you never want to hurt your child. And if you accidentally do, the feeling is dreadful.
I couldn’t stop rubbing her head, and kissing her, and staring at her. I just wanted to hold her so close and take away that little tiny bump on her head.
Let’s be honest here. We’ve all dropped our phones on our faces. And it fucking hurts. And we laugh about it, because it’s funny. But when you drop your phone on your child’s head, it’s not funny.
I’m so sorry baby girl. I will forever hold my phone far, far away from your head.
I failed. I learned. I moved on (sadly).